a cataclysm in repose

someone who’ll read me a sonnet (plus points for knowing what its about). someone who’ll frequently take me to tea station, & not stop me from spending my paycheck there. someone with musical inclination, and an affinity for indie, folk, classical and/or jazz (plus points for a background in hxc music). someone who’ll watch documentaries and sundance & foreign films with me. someone smart, but not arrogant-and-pretentious-intelligent. someone with impeccable grammar and diction choice. someone who reads. someone who plays videogames, both fps and rpgs, and won’t mind when i suck dick at call of duty, halo reach, and portal 2. someone with scruff (and/or nice hair). someone who won’t mind me endlessly crooning to them, either while in the car or when there’s a guitar in my hands. someone who’ll cover songs with me (plus points for making songs with me). someone with the capacity to have as much fun partying hardy as they do bumming at home with me. 

all i ever want to do in life is read, write, and explore. i want to reach into the depths of the universe and sweep it before me on the floor. i want to sift through mistakes and triumphs until they blur together in a kaleidoscope of choices; until the darks and lights become the same things, so that there is no more fear of fucking up, no more trepidation or anxiety; so that every choice is just a choice and only a choice and not another god damn ultimatum. 

and sometimes, all i ever want to do in life is lie in bed and contemplate; ponder; dream— to think up crazy complex life-altering theories and imagine perfect utopian scenarios, where everything falls into place on the basis of my blueprints. because as scintillating and as beautiful as life can be, i am perpetually insatiable; i am hungry for the spoils of a world that will never exist because i am never sufficiently satisfied. no matter how happy i am, i always manage to feel trapped.

because most of the time, i recognize the vast potential in myself, but i’m too lazy or too fearful to put things into motion. i’m always waiting for that catalyst; for some momentum to kick my kinetic energy into play. i wish i could take my own advice for once and start taking my life into my own hands instead of letting myself get pulled by the these currents.

Larry: (motioning to photography exhibit) What do you think?
Alice: It’s a lie. It’s a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and… all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it’s beautiful ‘cause that’s what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone… But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so… the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.