when i stay cooped up at home for too long my sanity begins slowly slipping away and i steadily lapse into a state of pyschosis. conversations with joey that usually consist of the usual stupidity and philosophy and nonchalance become irritable and frantic, and i start yelling at him for the smallest of things, like texting or listening to loud electronica music (ahaha, sorry bby [: ). simple, necessary tasks such as reading and writing become tedious, i get furious at inanimate objects (because they run into me, i don’t run into them [:< ) and i start something only to get frustrated with it and forget why i began doing it. i go on myspace and get depressed by looking at all the photoshopped beautiful scene sluts, then curse myspace and go away from the computer to start something more productive, only to go back to it and do the same thing.
i think a lot of times i take for granted being outside.
it really is a wonderful thing people of the internet, going outside. you should try it some time. [;
“Drove to Chicago. All things know, all things know… I drove to New York in the van, with my friend. We slept in parking lots. I don’t mind, I don’t mind. I was in love with the place in my mind, in my mind. I made a lot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind.”
driving to the beach last summer with therese and joey, listening to sufjan stevens. mm, good times.
“Careless in our summer clothes, splashing around in the muck and the mire”
A great song — nay, perhaps the greatest song — about doing laundry. Now I know not to use hot water when washing my colors.
there’s a strangely aesthetic feel to doing coin laundry on the 12th floor roof of this long beach apartment building, no makeup and jammies on. reminds me of this song, which is, might i say, amazing. <3
She sits in front of the buzzing laptop, stops typing, sits up. She stares at the blinking typing line. It taunts her. Blink. Blink. Blink. Come on, blink. Write something, blink. I dare you. Blink. She turns to her Cold Season Tea, sipping in the warmth of what she hopes could be inspiration, feels the elixir run down her throat. Blink. What? Blink. Can’t think, blink. Of anything? Blink. She sighs, turns to the side to open the blinds, opens the window.
The sunlight and the ocean air and the pollution pours in. The sound of cars and of people laughing, people screaming, people talking, they all pour in. The tea gets finished and dries into an eclipse on the bottom of the coffee mug. She looks out the window and wonders, “When did innocence begin to slip out from under the open window, and when did complication begin to pour in? When did people begin to replace morals, and when did dreams start getting pushed away by reality? At what point did the lies start to become truths, and the truth, when did I start burying it beneath the floorboards?”
She can hear truth’s heartbeat pounding in her ears. She turns to the cup to take another sip of warmth, only to find herself staring at a stain, forming an iris and a pupil at the bottom of the cup. It stares at her, but unlike the vertical typing line it doesn’t blink. It just stares, dares her to take another sweet sip of sugary lies. She puts the cup down. And she types,
For the longest time I kept feeding other people the things they wanted to hear, the things that would make them happy. I handed it off blindly, indulged in my own drug, believed the things I said were real. It starts off sweet like candy, but after a while your teeth start to rot, your stomach starts to ache, your blood levels raise. And I just kept feeding the illness with the thing that started it, like using coke to cure a coke addict. And it was all wrong, but of course, it takes a breakdown to realize, truth. It goes down bitter and rough and disgusting, but it’s the most effective medicine there is.
She stops typing, sits back, stares at the screen. Turns back to the empty cup, takes out the tea bag, and notices something typed on the tag at the end of the string.
It reads: Truth is everlasting.
lol, irony. that was not planned. but hmm, i should write more. it helps the process of learning life lessons. [x
“Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes, looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you? Oh, does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences like, ‘I love you far too much’? Does he lay awake listening to your breath, worried you smoke too many cigarettes?”—
We only listen to Animal Collective to freak out and scare off old people, poor people, Filipinos, furry woodland creatures, teenagers, people who shop at Wal-Mart, pirates, minorities, white people, Christians, deaf people, men, women, etc...
Just RANDOM people that ran through my head recently that I realized I hella miss! :
Joaquin & Andy! Tyler Shiroma! Kathreece! Rhea! Neil! Matthew Chen! Sean Gerardo! Jonte, Trish, & Carissa! @ our leader training for the 8th grade retreat, hahaha=)))! DIN! Maya! Megan O’Bryan! lil sister annamarie! Shahin! Brandon Villiados! Gabby Blanco, Kassandra, Princess! ALDEN! COOOOUSIN!! Kimmie! Ronny! Amanda Martin: ESP. IN P.E.!!! MRS. KYLE’S HOMEROOM: nikko, raph, nicole, jennifer, robert, ANTHONY TABINAS, keeno! matt hill, everyone & our rowdiness! Denay! Kaylaboo! Monica!-miss moral theo w/ you ladies! J.T., so he can give me BRISK! ROGERRRRR! & JUSTIN OF COURSE! After school with you guys! :D Bruzzuh Brandon, always! (: Ryan Guerrero & Taro Takigawa, DUUUH, OF COURSE! =] haley-modo! Franchesca Morales! Solaiman! ahahahaha! JANELLE CORPUZ: english, history, + CROSSCOUNTRY!!!! :D, dodobird! Aaron estrada…Adriana vs. ian player in geometry class! ahahaha! Nalene, Bianca, GABE LEON! Vinceeee!<33333 Charlieeee! Sean Rodriguez & Joey Davis in Spanish! Victoria Vergara! Ham&larebear. Sean Walters.
& i think that’s all that’s ran through my head recently. School’s closer than I thought! =x
If moooooore ppl run through mah mind, i shall post again! ahahaha! xD
that 8th grade retreat was pretty fun, mostly because of all the food… LOL, jk, i <3 paula pardini + the ‘09 9th graders. [:
it’s okay to feel deprived of something more meaningful than the soundless words of your peers, than the world’s constant hustling buzzing roaring, than the monchrome hue of the pictures passing the car window screen,
and it’s okay to feel so frustrated agitated helpless that you cry through clenched teeth and bruised ego,
and at the same time it’s okay to hold it all back, let it eat away at your insides like an anorexia of the soul,
let me say, it’s okay to want to just lay and listen to the noise, let it overflow and flood your mind, let it sink to the bottom like receding dust, let the silence set in,
and it’s okay to once and a while avoid your tugging conscience, muffle it’s wails and moans, to feed it sweet sugary lies and tell it that, “everything will be fine,”
it’s okay to pretend that you are cool. calm. composed. in control, even though no one is ever in control, no one is ever composed, not even the universe; everything and everyone is a mess, everything is chaos, everything swirls around in a spray of cells and molecules, atoms and nebulas, butterflies and hurricanes, ebbing and flowing, giving and taking,